You know when you go into the supermarket at the end of the day and the checkout girlie (or indeed blokie) blatantly doesn’t want to be there? You know, grumpy, really wants to go home, that sort of thing – just like you or I at the end of a bad day.

Smile. Be cheery. Say please and thank-you. It’s amazing how often they’ll cheer up. you’ll find that they start the transaction as a grumpy monkey and and up as a shiny happy monkey. You’re the winner. Feel free to carry on with your day as normal.

Anyway, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve been going through one of those phases where I’ve got plenty to write but no real motivation to do it. Moving house (let me know if you want my new address) didn’t help. It’s the summer too, so there’s always something better to be doing outside. And lots of other excuses too, while I’m at it.

Anyway, I’m now living in a rather fantastic thatched cottage. My sister has major house envy, which is always a bonus. I’m still in Cheltenham, just a bit further out than before. The cycle-commute is longer as a result, which is probably a good thing, even if riding a bike is the last thing I want to do on some mornings. Which reminds me, I must put the rear-mudguard back on if these storms are going to persist in soaking me. I’d best do that now, or I’ll forget and end up sitting in damp trousers all day tomorrow or something. Laters.

Last night I rather cleverly left the window open and the light on. Funnily enough, loads of small flying insects buzzed their way in and started flying around the room. Great. Time for a quick game of “twat ’em with a rolled up magazine”.

This turns out to be great fun. Wait for them to land somewhere, creep up on them and then WHAMMMO! One less insect buzzing around the room.

But I got impatient. They refused to land and stay landed, or they landed somewhere completely useless like the lampshade. How am I suppoed to smack them when they’re up there? So I started going after the ones that were still flying about.

Much, much harder. I only got one good result – but it was a cracker.

I see a particularly big mozzie buzzing about. Line it up… FWOOM! Missed.

Try again. Line it up… THWACK! I fire it up into the corner of the room, where it gets entangled in a nearly invisible web. Mr Daddy Long-Legs shoots out from his hiding place behind the curtain and strikes! All I can see is this mozzie stuggle for a bit, before its legs and wings get tied up against its body by it’s merciless killer. It holds it’s prey in place with two legs and ties it up with two more, before carrying it off to another corner of the web and holding on tight, just to make sure. It was a fantastic spectacle to behold.

THWACK! Ahhh, two birds with one rolled up magazine. Result!

Never drink orange juice immediately after bruishing your teeth (or indeed eating something really minty). It tastes bloody horrible.

Anyway, enough about politics. The bank holiday weekend is where its at. On top of the Mr Scruff experience, there was one hell of a lot of bike riding.

You see, I got my full susser’s rear shock back from the menders on Thursday. So there was riding my bike on Friday evening, Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday too. Lots of fun was had throughout the weekend, but the undoubted highlight was Sunday’s trip to Gethin Woodland Park, which is home to a fantastic downhill track above Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales.

Its quite possibly my favourite DH track in the UK. Its got pedally bits, whoopy bits, huge bermed corners, rooty bits, rocky bits, the works. What’s more it really flows nicely. Some people might think I’m a bit of a mentalist for this, especially considering my reputation for not being very good at this sort of thing, but my favourite part of the track is the infamous rock garden. You cross a fire road and basically ride straight through about fifty yards of great big boulders, some of which move around under your wheels disconcertingly. Its very hard to get the line right through there, but its just so much fun trying. Get it slightly wrong and you’re bounced headfirst into the undergrowth (yes Gary, I’m looking at you) or fly straight on when you reach the corner at the end. Get it right and you’ll just fly through. Like so many things, its easier the faster you go. Acetastic fun.

Unfortunately its also absolutely knackering. So much so that when we went up to Cranham the next day I only managed a few runs before I could barely ride my bike. I ended up just lying down in the sun and watching the others. Not a bad end to the weekend really.

I’ve bunged some pictures I took on Saturday in The Gallery.

I don’t really care enough to be particularly bothered by the outcome of this election.

Why? Realistically[1], there’s only two parties that are likely to end up in power: The Labour Party and The Conservatives. Their leaders both come across as complete slimeballs who are completely incapable of giving a straight answer to a question. Any question. Laugh all you like at the No, that’s where we differ sketches from the Fast Show but when interviewed for Chanel Four News over the past couple of nights that’s exactly how they came across.

So I voted — its my democratic right and I don’t really want to lose that — and I didn’t go in for any of that ridiculous tactical voting either, but I’m not really fussed who wins it. The government gets in either way.

[1] Well OK, so realistically there’s only one likely winner, but we’ll gloss over that.

• You move a Lucozade bottle cap around the table and expect the cursor to move around the screen with it.
• You try to use the graphics tablet’s pen on the mouse mat.
• You can’t understand why either of these techniques isn’t working.