The Pasta Conspiracy

Is it me, or are all pasta manufacturers lying buggers? Pick up pasta. Read packet. Ten minutes it says. Ten minutes my arse. It’s going to be at least fifteen, maybe even twenty. It’s the same with whatever pasta you buy. Buy ours, it cooks quicker! No it bloody doesn’t. Or if it does it’s that pathetic wafer-thin excuse for pasta you sell as “quick-cook”. You can always add five to ten minutes to the numbers on the side to get it anywhere near cooked.

There’s clearly a huge conspiracy against anybody who wants to cook the stuff. Forget your governments harbouring aliens, this one goes way bigger. It’s the mafia slowing the cooking speed of pasta. Perhaps they’re even controlling the boiling point of water. You can just see it can’t you? The Godfather, sat in a huge leather armchair, chewing on a fat cigar and surrounded by henchmen. If the Assozzione Manufacturi di Pasta does not meet our demands, water shall boil at 81°C! Penne shall forever take an age to cook! You will reach your grave before your Tagliatelle is al dente! MUAAHAHAHAAAAHAAAAA!

It’ll turn out to be true, you mark my words.

11 Responses to “The Pasta Conspiracy”

1. matt

I think you missed the small print

“10 minutes to cook*”

*if you’re lucky

2. Simon

*when using an industrial furnace

3. Owen

Buy fresh pasta – it’s nicer and cooks quicker.

4. Gussy

I reckon that we should start a hit squad to topple this Mafia organisation.

5. Red_Reaper

Olly, I think you need help.

With cooking that is.

6. MikeD

Your stove is broken. HTH HAND.

7. Dale

Buy fresh pasta and it is usually ready in a minute or two. Problem solved.

In fact, there’s a branch of physics called ‘pasta theory’, where time distorts. So if you sat on a rotini twist you could through worm holes. Or something.

8. Sara

Why don’t you just go all out and make your own pasta. You can do it… RIGHT!?!?!?

9. Olly

HA! You think you’ll catch someone as terminally lethargic as me doing that?!

10. your #1 fan

can I add: Potatoes and Chips to the “not ready in the specified time” list. thanks.

mm wine.

11. jon2

Perhaps someone can also answer me why pasta always comes in those bags that split right the way down the middle no matter how carefully you open them resulting in an ever-growing pile of spirals and shells under my cooker?